"Not every quote you read on the Internet is true." - Abraham Lincoln To advertise here call 800-838-1176 "Never take anybody's advice." - George Bernard Shaw There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists: if it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. - Unknown "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." - Howard Aiken "Forget the Alamo" - final line of John Sayles' Lone Star "Digital by day, analog by night." - Gail Dengel "The greatness of a nation can be judged by the way its animals are treated." - Mahatma Gandhi "Wit is educated insolence." - Aristotle (284-322 B.C.) Marxism of the opium of the intellectuals. - Raymond Aron "Science is an art, not a science." _ /~\ The ASCII \ / Ribbon Campaign X Against HTML / \ Email! "All you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right kind of people." - My Man Godfrey "The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials." ----Mark Twain "Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." - Voltaire "A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." - Herm Albright "I'm not wringing my hands, I'm drying my nails!" - Margaret Atwood CEO: How much is two plus two? Prospective auditor: What number are you looking for? - Abraham Briloff "If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." Robert X. Cringely "If I had 8 hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend 6 sharpening my axe." - Abraham Lincoln "There arises from a bad and unapt formation of words a wonderful obstruction to the mind." - Francis Bacon The story goes that a [Russian?] mathematician, suspecting that the government bakery was fraudulently baking undersized loaves, began weighing his weekly bread ration. The result was a normal distribution with a mean that was significantly lower than the official quota, and so he challenged the bakery. Thereafter, the mathematician received only loaves that were greater than or equal to the quota. However, his new distribution of loaves resembled the tail of a normal distribution which was still centered below the quota, and he was able to use this as evidence to challenge the bakery again. "No matter how thin you slice it it's still baloney." - Rube Goldberg "Banking should not be exciting. If banking is exciting there is something wrong with it." - Clay Ewing "Never ask your barber if he thinks you need a haircut" - Warren Buffett "Next year a new one will come out called `Internet Barbie,' which is really a fat guy claiming to be a hot blonde." - Bill Maher "You make most of your money in a bear market. You just don't realize it at the time." - Chris Davis "Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." -- Robert Benchley "Think galactically, act globally." - Bob Benjamin, astronomer "There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence." - Jeremy S. Anderson "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce Remember - The penalty for bigamy is two wives !! Rabbi: Your son is looking for inconsistencies in the word of God. Mother: So, has he found any? - from the Big Short "The most successful tyranny is not the one that uses force to assure uniformity, but the one that removes the awareness of other possibilities, that makes it seem inconceivable that other ways are viable, that removes the sense that there is an outside." - Allan Bloom "We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?" - Niels Bohr, Nobel physicist, founder of quantum theory "If you will just start with the idea that this is a hard world, it will all be much simpler." -- Louis Brandeis I like a Blackpool breakfast, me - 20 ciggies and a pot of tea. Lilly Savage "Google 'broccoli casserole' and make the first recipe you find. I guarantee it will be disappointing." - Christopher Kimball "When the economy was about stuff, economics resembled physics. When it's about ideas, economics comes to resemble psychology." - David Brooks MEN WHO HAVE TO TRAVEL LIGHT FIND THE 35 CENT TUBE JUST RIGHT Burma-Shave A woman can even become a Buddha, but for that she must first come back as a man. - from Beyond Rangoon "We simply attempt to be fearful when others are greedy and to be greedy when others are fearful." - Warren Buffett "You can't go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it's just a cage." -- (Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad) "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us!" - Calvin & Hobbes "A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe" "Just remember, in 10 years no one will care. In fact most people probably don't care right now." -- Conrad E. Muller "Praise the beautiful for their intelligence and the intelligent for their beauty." -- Casanova "Education is a wonderful thing. If you couldn't sign your name you'd have to pay cash." - Rita Mae Brown It's always darkest before you step on the cat. "The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it" - John Gilmore "I was raised to be charming, not sincere." -- Cinderella's Prince, "Into the Woods" "Computer experts vastly underestimate the time required to beat the World Champion. Chess experts, on the other hand, vastly overestimate the time involved" [Hans Berliner, 1988] "Of a sane man there is only one safe definition. He is the man who can have tragedy in his heart and comedy in his head." - G. K. Chesterton "You have sixty seven cents and you're asking us for an advance?" - Chico Marx in Room Service Whenever you see food beautifully arranged on a plate, you know someone's fingers have been all over it. -- Julia Child "It's never too late to have a happy childhood" - Cutter John, Bloom County You're one in a million. Which means there are about a thousand people just like you somewhere in China. "Doing STRANGE THINGS in the name of ART, and STRANGER THINGS in the name of CHOCOLATE." - Christina M. Callihan "You aren't free because you CAN choose - only if you DO choose." He's a born-again Christian. The trouble is, he suffered brain damage during rebirth. --Anonymous "The church is a hospital for sinners, not a club for saints." "Most people stumble over the truth, now and then, but they usually manage to pick themselves up and go on, anyway." - Winston Churchill The Mahatma Gandhi was once asked, "Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?" He replied, "I think that it would be an excellent idea." "The secret is sincerity, if you can fake that you've got it made." - John K Clark "As I've aged, I've found the world far, far more ridiculous than I used to think." - John Cleese "Dying's easy...comedy's hard." - Nell Gwyn 'Only Six computers will ever be sold in the commercial market' Howard Aiken (The designer of the first IBM computer) "When my species comes to rule this planet, your name will be on the protected rolls." - Beldar Conehead "In a country well governed, poverty is something to be ashamed of. In a country badly governed, wealth is something to be ashamed of." - Confucius Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alone will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. - Calvin Coolidge "Love and a cough cannot be hid" Francis Bacon "What this country needs is less people telling us what this country needs" "No sooner does man discover intelligence than he tries to involve it in his own stupidity." - Jacques Cousteau "AI has completely changed the cow." "The best way to rob a bank is to own one." - William Crawford Under the Southern Cross I stand, A can of Fosters in my hand, A native of my native Land, Australia, you f###### beauty! - The Australian Cricket Team Chant (or so I heard) "The game of croquet, to which I have given such a large portion of my life, fuses so many different elements: competition, a fine eye, a sharp mind, a firm stroke, a large amount of patience, ability to plan ahead and, by no means the least, a control of one's temper." - Jack R. Osborn The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. -- Alan Ashley-Pitt "My mission is to help you understand Davos Man as a species. He is a rare and remarkable creature - a predator who attacks without restraint, perpetually intent on expanding his territory and seizing the nourishment of others, while protecting himself from reprisal by posing as a symbiotic friend to all." - Peter S. Goodman "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." "As the most participatory form of mass speech yet developed, the Internet deserves the highest protection from government intrusion," - the three-judge panel that issued a preliminary injuction blocking as unconstitutional the Communications Decency Act. "I love Jewish food, but when you eat it, 72 hours later you're hungry again." - deli aficionado Richard F. Shepard "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo." - Thom DeCarlo "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." - Phillip K. Dick "Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California." --Edsger Dijkstra "The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - MANAGEMENT" - The Dilbert Principle "If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory." - Benjamin Disraeli Fred: "May I rescue you?" Ginger: "No, thank you. I prefer being in distress." - `Top Hat,' RKO 1935 "Paradigm shifting without a clutch" - Dogbert "We humans are a curious sort... Little girls like dolls and little boys like soldiers. When we grow up, women like soldiers and men like dolls." - Monee C. Kidd "Have the gentleman to haul and draw with the mariner." - Francis Drake "The man who never dreams, goes slowly mad." -Thomas Dolby If DSS is a flop, you can always use that 19" dish as a bird bath, discus, snow sled, chinese hat, hub cap, salad bowl.... Now thats Multimedia! I bought this book called "Java Programming for Dummies" and I am completely lost. "Civilization exists by geologic consent, subject to change without notice." - Will Durant "Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace" - Amelia Earhart "The more you're told that you have to believe something, the more you should question it." - Myron Ebell "The value of an idea lies in the using of it." - Thomas Edison "What sculpture is to a block of marble, education is to a human soul" - Joseph Addison "The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." - Albert Einstein. Make no friendship with an elephant keeper unless you have room to entertain an elephant. "I suppose some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers." - T. S. Elliot "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and the Elvis impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson "I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who endowed us with sense, reason and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." -- Galileo Galilei "A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." -- Paul Erdos "The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust "Show me a thoroughly satisfied man, and I will show you a failure." -Thomas A. Edison "Being famous has its benefits, but fame isn't one of them." - Larry Wall "Fanaticism consists of redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim." - George Santayana "Reality is for people who can't handle fantasy." "Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from the corn field." - Dwight D. Eisenhower "If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together." --African Proverb "If you eat less and live longer, over time you'll have eaten just as much." - Michael Feldman "It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense." - Mark Twain "Stocks are now at what looks like a permanent high plateau" -- noted economist Irving Fisher, 2 weeks before the 1929 stock market crash "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot." - Steven Wright "Be regular and orderly in your life so that you may be violent and original in your work." - Gustave Flaubert That is really good! Did Miriam make this? - Stephanie March, wife of Bobby Flay "Not if your ambition is to get high and watch TV." - Bridget Fonda in Jackie Brown A fool and his money are...Hey! Where's my wallet? "Football exemplifies the worst features of American life: it's violence punctuated by committee meetings."--George Will An investment in knowledge pays the best interest. --Benjamin Franklin "I feel that true freedom lies within, where I shall never find it." -- John S. Hall "Free will is located in or near the anterior cingulate sulcus." - Francis Crick "A friend is someone who sees through you, and still enjoys the view" - Wilma Askinas "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain "My friends, we are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives." Sagredo (Galileo Galilei) "You present these recondite matters with too much evidence and ease; this great facility makes them less appreciated than they would be had they been presented in a more abstruse manner." Two New Sciences "If you look around the table and you don't know who the sucker is, its you." You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game. "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they attack you. And then you win." - Gandhi "And to this day it still thrills me to know that if I can get the program right it will always work perfectly, every time, just the way I told it to." - Bill Gates "Nobody believes me when I say this, but the Germans even drink more than the Russians." - Ali Akgun, hotel manager at the Kemer Holiday Club in Turkey "I was an atheist, until I found out I was God." "Blood is a special kind of juice" - Goethe In 1912 an American enthusiast made golfing history, when she took 166 strokes over a 130-yard hole. During the qualifying round of the Shawnee Invitational for Ladies at Shawnewe-on-Delaware, Pennsylvania, she confidently approached the sixteenth hole for which four strokes were normally adequate. Her first shot, however, sent the ball into the Binniekill River, an obstacle which many would regard as final. When she saw that it floated she boarded a rowing boat, with her husband at the oars and herself at the prow, wielding a golf club. For one and a half miles her husband rowed and kept count of the occasions upon which she had cause to swipe at it. Eventually, she beached the thing and made her way back through a forest. Fellow competitors had given up hope of ever seeing her again, when they heard the cry of 'fore' and saw the ball fly on the green from a totally unexpected direction. She completed the hole in just under two hours. "Government is not suggestion nor persuasion, it is force...and force is violence. ...When you advocate any government action, you first must believe that violence is the best answer to the question at hand." -- Laws of the Jungle, by Allen Thornton "Pessimism of the intellect, optimism of the will." - Antonio Gramsci "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know." Mark Twain "If I have made myself clear, you must have misunderstood me." - Alan Greenspan "I intend to live forever, or die trying." -- Groucho Marx grrl: about 1000 matches grrrl: about 1000 matches grrrrl: 62 matches grrrrrl: 17 matches grrrrrrl: 9 matches grrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrl: 2 matches grrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: 1 match grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: 1 match grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl: no documents match the query "The uniforms of this conflict will be bankers' pinstripes and programmers' grunge just as assuredly as desert camouflage." Donald Rumsfeld "Good people, you are mistaken; I am the Protestant whore." - Nell Gwyn "Things often get worse, not before they get better, but before they get even worse." - Richard Haass "It is my supposition that the Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we can imagine." - J. B. S. Haldane "The best we can hope for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed." Alexander Hamilton, the Federalist Papers at 184-8. "When all you've got is a hammer, everything looks like a nail." - Japanese proverb "A ship in a harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for" -- William Shedd `Half the failures in life arise from pulling in one's horse as he is leaping` -Julius Hare (1795-1855) "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein "..and we'll be saying a big hello to all intelligent life forms everywhere, and to everyone else out there, the secret is to bang the rocks together guys!!" -HHGTTG "1935 will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future." - Adolf Hitler Honk if you love peace and quiet. "A clever horse is a good-natured one, not an ingenious one." - Strunk and White "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for." - Fred Hoyle "As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!" -- Jack Handy Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? "If we thought this was a trap, we wouldn't be doing it, and as you know, we have a lot of lawyers." - Irving Wladawsky-Berger, IBM VP, on using GPL software. "All the forces in the world are not so powerful as an idea whose time has come." -- Victor Hugo "Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot." "As soon as a sect of Judaism says, 'We know God's will,' it's like saying 'God is something we can fit into our minds like something we can fit in our hands.' That's idolatry." - Rabbi Susan Silverman "You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." - Anne Lamot "You're only young once, but you can be immature forever." Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. -- Susan Ertz "Impoliteness means never having to say you're sorry." "It's kind of fun to do the impossible." - Walt Disney "Specialization is for insects." - Robert A. Heinlein "An endorsement will be added to your policy to exclude coverage for loss caused by a computer's inability to properly recognize a particular date or time." - note from American Family "The Internet. It just sits there." "If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him." - Voltaire "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899 "That depends on what the definition of the word 'is' is." --William Jefferson Clinton, 17 August 1998 "Live as one already dead." --Japanese saying Anybody who thinks a little 9,000-line program that's distributed free and can be cloned by anyone is going to affect anything we do at Microsoft has his head screwed on wrong. -- Bill Gates to George Gilder responding to Java (shortly before licensing Java and dumping Blackbird) "I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce." -- J EDGAR HOOVER "When the government fears the people, there is liberty. When the people fear the government, there is tyranny." -Thomas Jefferson "Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good." - Samuel Johnson "You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes." - Og Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. - Buster Bunny (Tiny Toons) "There is infinite hope, but not for man." -- Franz Kafka "I later learned that every state in the Union, with the exception of Nebraska, felt disdain for Kansas." --Louise Brooks "I tried to make it unpleasant for the machine." --G. Kasparov God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. - Garrison Keillor "War is a highly overrated tool of foreign policy." - George F. Kennan "Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." - John F. Kennedy "Waiter, there's no fly in my soup!" -- Kermit the frog "kill cross-platform Java by growing the polluted Java market" - from an internal Microsoft planning document "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice." - Martin Luther King Jr. Love is a matter of chemistry Sex is a matter of physics But kinkiness requires engineering "The scandal isn't what's illegal. The scandal is what's legal." -- Michael Kinsley "People demand the freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." - Kirkegarde "Corrupt politicians make the other ten percent look bad." --- Henry Kissinger BTW, did you know that in the 20s one of the grand whopeedoos of the Klan who helped to bring about its reemergence owned a bed sheet company and made a bundle! "The advancement and diffusion of knowledge is the only guardian of true liberty." -- James Madison "As I have said many times, if it had been Lehman Sisters rather than Lehman Brothers, the world might well look a lot different today." - Christine Lagarde The Las Vegas yellow pages lists 135 pages of "entertainers" compared to 143 pages of attorneys. "The future is not a gift, it's an achievement." - Harry Lauder "Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others." He who laughs last thinks slowest. "After ecstasy, laundry." - Zen writing There's only 1 lawyer in Lawyerville, New York. "So much of left-wing thought is a kind of playing with fire by people who don't even know that fire is hot." - George Orwell "Less is more, more or less..." - Mary Laude "I'm no constitutional scholar, and I'm certainly no political pundit, no political expert... Do me a favor: the next time in fact, before the next time we elect a president, I'm begging you, will somebody please do a background check?" - David Letterman "A liberal is the guy who leaves the room when a fight starts." --IWW leader "Big Bill" Haywood. "I choose free libraries as the best agencies for improving the masses of the people, because they give nothing for nothing. They only help those who help themselves." - Andrew Carnegie Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter much since nobody listens. Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg? A: One's a huge flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other's a dirigible. "If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee." - Abraham Lincoln "Every time I fire a linguist, the performance of the speech recognizer goes up." - Fred Jelinek > Does anyone know the index of refraction for Linoleum? At what wavelength? "This article in full comprises 601 words but only the first 600 or so words are available to non-members." - The Literary Encyclopedia "I don't want to live in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live in my apartment." - Woody Allen "I had learned that those who are lying or trying to cover up something generally make a common mistake - they tend to overact, to overstate their case." - Richard Milhous Nixon "Ambition is so powerful a passion in the human breast, that no matter how high we achieve, we are never satisfied." - Machiavelli A)bort, R)etry, B)uy a Macintosh? "It is a melancholy reflection that liberty should be equally exposed to danger whether the government have too much or too little power." - James Madison > "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from > magic." - Arthur C. Clarke "But this doesn't mean that all magic will become technology." - Eugen Leitl "Non Impediti Ratione Cogitationis." - Tom and Ray Magliozzi "Every scene should be able to answer three questions: 'Who wants what from whom? What happens if they don't get it? Why now?'" - David Mamet "You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy." --CHARLES MANSON "I'd be a bum in the street with a tin cup if the markets were efficient." - Warren Buffet "The markets can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent." - Joe Terranova How about slipping out of those wet things and into a dry Martini? - Noel Coward "My friends, it is not good to be without a servant in this world; but to be without a master, it appears, is a still fataler predicament for some." - Thomas Carlyle 2 + 2 never equals 5, even for large values of 2. "If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom, and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money that it values more, it will lose that too." -- W. Somerset Maugham "Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers." -- Mignon McLaughlin "There's a 40% chance that I'm a meteorologist." --- J.A. Beran "Java is not the enemy. Sun is the enemy." - Microsoft newsletter True power and wealth are of the mind. "I bet the human brain is a kludge." -- Marvin Minsky "Darling I missed you" she said, and fired again. "All models are wrong. Some models are useful." -- George Box One dies only once, and it's for such a long time -- Moliere ... MONEY TALKS! ... but all mine ever says is GOODBYE! floggings will continue until morale improves The fundamental particle of morality is called the moron. "I really take exception to having the compiler treat me like a moron." - Greg Kaiser "The rich will strive to establish their dominion and enslave the rest. They always did. They always will. They will have the same effect here as elsewhere, if we do not, by the power of government, keep them in their proper spheres." - Gouverneur Morris, Signer of the U.S. Constitution, 1787 "The central conservative truth is that it is culture, not politics, that determines the success of a society. The central liberal truth is that politics can change a culture and save it from itself." - Daniel Patrick Moynihan "Explicit permission required for distribution in Microsoft Network." Mathematicians write symphonies. Scientists create instruments. Engineers build music boxes. "If JPM doesn't withdraw their lawsuit, I will give them a one star review on Yelp. This is my final warning!" - Elon Musk "I don't care what you say about me as long as you spell my name right." - Charlie O. Finley The network is the computer... but a very slow one. "God is dead." --Nietzsche "Nietzsche is dead." --God "To understand God's thoughts we must study statistics." - Florence Nightingale "I cried when I had no hat until I met a man who had no head." - Anonymous "It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing." - Ron Livingston in Office Space "Cochran's even got OJ believing he didn't do it." - Jay Leno "OO is a tool, not a religion, and not a philosophy." - Robert C. Martin Standard opera plot: The tenor and the soprano want to make love, but are prevented by the Baritone. "None of the opinions expressed above are necessarily those of the University of Sheffield Union of Students, the University of Sheffield, Sheffield City Council, Sheffield Clay Pigeon Racing Society, Sheffield Development Corporation, or anyone else in Sheffield. They do however represent the majority view in Barnsley." - Joe Otten "Ever heard of a .org crash?" - TIAA/CREF ad "Remember what I always say: People first, then money, then things." - Suze Orman "Giving power and money to the government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys." - P.J. O'Rourke Orthopedist: as strong as an Ox and twice as smart. "Any life when viewed from the inside is simply a series of defeats." - George Orwell Let me use my damn OS in peace, OK? I don't knock your OS, don't knock mine, goddamn it. - Colin D. Cashman "One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine." - William Osler "If you won't want it on page six, don't do it" - New York Post "One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea" - Walter Bagehot 1826-1877 "Paradigm is a word too often used by those who would like to have a new idea but cannot think of one." -- Mervyn King, Deputy Governor, Bank of England "Paranoia can reduce security." --Nick Maclaren "I require only three things of a man: he must be handsome, ruthless and stupid." - Dorothy Parker Traveler, there is no path. Paths are made by walking. -Antonio Machado "Peace will come when the power of love is greater than the love of power." What do we want? Science! When do we want it? After peer review! - cheer reported but not claimed by Jeremy Samuel Faust main(k){float i,j,r,x,y=-16;while(puts(""),y++<15)for(x =0;x++<84;putchar(" .:-;!/>)|&IH%*#"[k&15]))for(i=k=r=0; j=r*r-i*i-2+x/25,i=2*r*i+y/10,j*j+i*i<11&&k++<111;r=j);} - Ken Perlin Optimists believe this is the best of all possible worlds. Pessimists fear this is true. "Programming is like pinball. The reward for doing it well is the opportunity to do it again." "The truth shall set you free, but first it will piss you off." The real destroyer of the liberties of the people is he who spreads among them bounties, donations and benefits. - Plutarch A man sees a crowd and asks a stranger what the attraction is. -Man: “What’s going on?” -Stranger: “A politician is giving a speech.” -Man: “What’s he speaking about?” -Stranger: “He don’t say.” "He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career." - George Bernard Shaw "When you mix politics and science, you get politics." - John M. Barry Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1 1/2 tons. ---Popular Mechanics, March 1949 The wages of sin are death, but after taxes are taken out, it's just a tired feeling - Paula Poundstone In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is no relationship between theory and practice. "There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about" - John von Neumann "The whole point is that the press loses its way when it cares more about who benefits from information than whether it's true." - Matt Taibbi "You mustn't let it make you conceited. Pride is one of the deadly sins. And it's better to go for the lively ones." --Christopher Fry The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away. "Mild-mannered programmer/analyst by day, unconscious, mild-mannered programmer/analyst by night..." - Shane Hudson "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world: the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." -- George Bernard Shaw You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. "Writing is like Prostitution: First you do it for the love of it. Then you do it for a few friends. And finally you do it for money." -- Moliere "...a man of great talent will normally pay less attention to other people's foolishness than would a fool." -Proust "I recognize happiness by the sound it makes when it leaves." - Jacques Prvert "Nobody should be allowed to have a baby until they have first been required to train a chicken." - Karen Pryor in Don't Shoot the Dog "In the past we've seen powerless conservatives create McCarthyism, the John Birch Society and water flouridation hysteria just as we've seen powerless liberals create Psychology, Sociology, Anthropology and Political Science." - P. J. O'Rourke "Do not be proud of your knowledge. Listen to the ignorant and the wise. Art has no limit, and no artist's skills are perfect. Truth may lie as hidden in the earth as copper, or it may be found at play upon the lips of maidens bent above their grindstones" - Ptah-hotep, Egyptian teacher,c.2540 BC lifes a bitch, then it has puppies Strange women, laying in ponds, distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. - Monty Python and the Holy Grail "If we do not succeed, then we face the risk of failure." -- Dan Quayle, Vice-President of the United States "It only stands to reason that where there's sacrifice, there's someone collecting the sacrificial offerings. Where there's service, there is someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master." -- Ayn Rand "Beverly Hills is a nice place to be a rat." - Ray Honda, a Los Angeles County health inspector "It's probably true that hard work never killed anyone - but why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan "Why did I pick reality?" - Albert Brooks "When you were born you cried, and the world rejoiced. Try to live your life so that when you die you will rejoice, and the world will cry." If You Know What You're Doing, It's Not Research! "Risk is extra life." - Michael Klein "There's math and then everything else is debatable." - Chris Rock There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything you know. If we teach everybody, including, say, high school students, habits of skeptical thought, they will probably not restrict their skepticism to UFOs, aspirin commercials, and 35,000-year-old channelees. Maybe they'll start asking awkward questions about economic, or social, or political, or religious institutions. Perhaps they'll challenge the opinions of those in power. Then where would we be? -- Carl Sagan >CHOCOLATE RULES AND IT KEEPS ME SANE. :-) Are you SURE it's working??? :) What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? - Ursula K LeGuin If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically. - Jean Paul Sartre (quoted in _Harpers_, Jan. 1995 p. 25) My music isn't modern, it's merely badly played. - Arnold Schoenberg If it smells, it's biology. If it blows up, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's PHYSICS! "Early versions of the (scrabble) tiles were coated with a chemical tasty to dogs, so replacements were big business." - from Janet Maslin's review of Word Freak by Stefan Fatsis I have a secret way to make $1mil from the Internet. I will share my secret for one million dollars. "Sentiment without action is ruination of the soul" "The environment's in trouble -- and the more it suffers, the tougher it is on your skin." --Seventeen Magazine "What do you get when you combine SGI with Microsoft? Answer: Microsoft." - Joke going around Siggraph 98 "No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar." - Prof. Donald Foster "We learn from history that we learn nothing from history." - George Bernard Shaw "If I neither say that a thing exists, nor deny it, nor neither, nor both, then it will take a very long time to dispute me" -- Sherpan philosopher ----------------------------------------------------------- sig, sig, bo big, banana fanna fo fig, me my mo mig, sig! ----------------------------------------------------------- - Sarah Biery "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler." - Albert Einstein "It's difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it." - Upton Sinclair "Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention." - Cornelia Otis Skinner I want to die peacefully and in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and in terror like the other passengers in his car. "I slept with a woman once... and I thought, 'Am I gay? Am I straight?' Then I realized... I'm just slutty! Where's *my* parade?" -- Margaret Cho "Smile more, gentlemen! Serious face doesn't imply intellect: the most stupid things in the world are done with this very face..." - Baron M. "Don't assume that the inclusion of a smiley will make the recipient happy with what you say or wipe out an otherwise insulting comment." -- RFC 1855 ”There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance.” - Socrates "I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity." - Albert Einstein "If only it were so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?" - Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn Please remove the "spam.spam.eggs.sausage.and.spam" if you want to email me. - Tiny Green Frog It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. "Dave I no longer really understand the definition of really understanding." - spike The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task, it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain anymore, so it eats it. 'Quantity has a quality all its own.' - Joseph Stalin "Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease." - Elizabeth Kougianos "What really irks them is, it is true a lot of factories are empty, and it seems illogical to them that a country that once produced 160 million metric tons of steel now produces closer to 80 and 90. They can't see the reason is nobody wanted all that steel." - Jeffrey Sachs on Communist economists in Russia "If something cannot go on forever, it will stop." - economist Herbert Stein "The stock market is like sex: its best just before it ends." "I'm straight but not narrow." - bumper sticker "The only stupid question is the one that remains unasked." "Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood." "Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." - Thomas Edison The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners. -- Ernst Jan Plugge "If what you are doing is wrong, doing it more efficiently makes things worse." - Verner Suomi "Software without support is hardware." - JR/1999 "Surf first and ask questions later!" "Steel cures." - surgeon's motto "If you don't believe in same sex marriage, then don't marry someone of the same sex." - Wanda Sykes "The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws." --Tacitus Talk Small and Carry a Big Class Library "We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are." - The Talmud "To signal taste, you need art where the difference between good art and bad art is very hard to discern (if anyone could discern it, then ability-to-discern wouldn't signal having more taste than average). You want some kind of complicated code that makes sense to tasteful people, feels impenetrable to tasteless people, and (if possible) changes every so often so that tasteless people can't just memorize it." - Scott Alexander, Astral Codex Ten, "Whither Tartaria?" "The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky" -- Solomon Short "In football everything is complicated by the presence of the other team." - Jean-Paul Sartre "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." - Albert Einstein "Yield to temptation -- it may not pass your way again" - Lazarus Long "Theories are like mice: they pass thru 99 holes, but the 100th stops them." - Voltaire "[Do not] put too much confidence in experimental results until they have been confirmed by theory." ---Sir Arthur Eddington "What's another word for thesaurus?" - Steven Wright A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James "...thought is impossible without an image." - Aristotle, 325 B.C. Die, foul thread! - bruce "The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools." -Thucydides. "We helped Einstein invest his money. What makes you think you should go it alone?" - poster in TIAA-CREF lobby "All people make for poor tourists who go to visit things and not other people." - D. Y. Milch "One man's trash is another man's trash" "You don't have to be a college graduate to put 2 and 2 together. Spring Break + Drunkenness + Disrespect for rules and authority + Sex in Lifeboats = Trouble." - from a posting to rec.travel.cruises "Three things ruin a man: power, money, and women." - Harry Truman "There are three eternal elements, They are truth, love and courage Upon them you must stand if you want to survive In this world of confusion" "We can't let you have something that would let you take over the plane." - TSA screener to a pilot "Big whorls have little whorls that feed on their vorticity, and little whorls have lesser whorls and so on to viscosity." - L.F.Richardson "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug." - Mark Twain "Bill Clinton's election as President is the worst thing that ever happened to Tyson Foods and the state of Arkansas. It's brought us nothing but headaches and misery." - Tyson spokesman "The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you." - Neil deGrasse Tyson Unix: The only computer virus with a user interface. (such as it is...) "Most software isn't designed. Rather, it emerges from the development team like a zombie emerging from a bubbling vat of Research and Development juice" - Alan Cooper, "About Face" "The problem with the global village is all the global village idiots." - Paul Ginsparg "It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong." - Voltaire One night in early 1945, von Neumann woke up and told his wife, Klari, that "what we are now creating is a monster whose influence is going to change history, providing there is any history left. Yet it would be impossible not to see it through." Von Neumann was creating one of the first computers, in order to build nuclear weapons. But, Klari said, it was the computers that scared him the most. "It doesn't matter if you piss a few people off, if you know they're wrong." --George Vukelich "Being Hitler can ruin your appreciation of wacky sitcoms." - James "Kibo" Parry "It is easy to turn an aquarium into fish soup, but not so easy to turn fish soup back into an aquarium." -- Lech Walesa on reverting to a market economy. "How many travelling salesman really care about TSP?" - Pei Wang, referring to the travelling saleman problem "Any future defense secretary who advises the president to send a big American land army into Asia, or into the Middle East or Africa, should have his head examined." - US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates "Government is not reason. Government is not eloquence. It is force. And, like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master." - George Washington "A person with a watch knows what time it is, a person with two is never sure." "I divide men into those who think of women 90 percent of the time and those who think about them 99 percent of the time. I was a 90-percenter." - James D. Watson There are three categories of those entitled to use 'We' in the first person: Royalty, Editors, and People With Tapeworms. -- Mark Twain "This redistribution of wealth is trickier than I thought." - Dennis Moore "What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered."- Emerson(1803-1882) To which I respond, "A weed is a plant whose species is listed in the Wisconsin Noxious Weed Ordinance." The most beautiful things in the world are those from which all excess weight has been removed. - Henry Ford "Keep Ted Turner and his goddamned Crayolas away from my movie." -Orson Welles "Use of the Internet by this poster is not to be construed as a tacit endorsement of Western Technological Civilization or its appurtenances." - from Stirling Westrup's sig "I never entertain wicked thoughts...Wicked thoughts entertain me." "You know, the best Wiener schnitzel I've ever eaten in my life is not that much better than the worst Wiener schnitzel I've ever eaten in my life." - diner at Danube in New York "An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all." - Oscar Wilde "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of the pox !" "That, my Lord, depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress" John Wilkes to The Earl of Sandwich, Parliament, November 1763 "The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised". - George F. Will. "Never murder a man who's committing suicide." - Woodrow Wilson's political dictum "Being on the tightrope is living, everything else is waiting." - Karl Wallenda "If the almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the creation, I should have recommended something simpler." - Spanish King Alphonso X, "the wise" "Nothing corrupts a man so deeply as writing a book." - Nero Wolfe "Everything you expect about how the world works probably will be changed in your life, that unexpected things happen, often tragic things happen, and being flexible, being aware of a whole range of different things that happen in the world, is not just a good idea as a thinking person, but it's crucial to your survival. So, for me, I grew up convinced that understanding the political and economic environment I lived in was an urgent matter that had to be done, and made me a little different from many of my fellow kids in school who didn't have that sense of the urgency of understanding how the world worked to be able to navigate an unstable and often dangerous world. That was a very important lesson for me." - Richard D. Wolff "If engineers designed buildings the way programmers write code, the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation." "More than any other time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." --Woody Allen "Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all." -- Winston Churchill "Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work." - Thomas Edison "Writing is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none." -- Jules Renard Trust the computer industry to shorten "Year 2000" to Y2K. It was this kind of thinking that caused the problem in the first place. "If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." -- Dorothy Parker "If you come to a fork in the road, take it." -- Yogi Berra